There’s Nothing Better
Welcome to the evening’s bad news
I’m your host The Rat
and this is the bad news
A plane full of puppies has crashed
And a train full of children has burned
But first this
There’s nothing better than bad news
Nothing gets them to click faster
Nothing better than when the heroes lose
Always hoping for a bigger disaster
There’s nothing better than bad news
On the front page we will plaster
We don’t have to, it’s what we choose
It pays to be the doom forecaster
The biggest names will always fall
Get their picture for the cover
They might need a little nudge
Always something to uncover
When they hit the pavement
Make sure you film the splatter
Always be the first to publish
Always find their hidden lover
There’s nothing better than bad news
Nothing sells the adverts faster
Nothing better than when the girls friends bruised
In the news room you can hear the laughter
There’s nothing better than bad news
On the front page we will plaster
We don’t have to, it’s what we choose
It pays to be the doom forecaster
Today a rocket attack struck a refugee hospital 
Killing hundreds fleeing the front-line battle field
Most of the dead were women and children
Along with most of the doctors and nurses
There’s nothing better 
Than a crying widow
There’s nothing better 
Than local plane crash
There’s nothing better 
Than a bunch of orphans
Nothing better 
Than the respect of your colleges 
There’s nothing better 
Than an interstate pile up
There’s nothing better
Than high speed chase
There’s nothing better
Than a hostage situation
Unless there are bodies
Thrown all over the place
There’s nothing better 
Than beating your rival
There’s nothing better
Than to sell more ad’s
There’s nothing better 
Than a jump in the ratings
This is the best week we’ve ever had
There’s nothing better
Than an assassination
There’s nothing better
Than when a rocket explodes
There’s nothing better
Than an army deployment
Unless it’s when a sky scraper implodes
A fire in a high-rise office building
Burned to death Hundreds of volunteers 
Working at the suicide prevention hotline center
Also, suicide is on the rise
There’s nothing better
Than a falling politician
Nothing better
Than to see them splat
There’s nothing better
Than a natural disaster
Hey, it’s just a matter of fact
There’s nothing better
Than to be the Broadcaster
You get to deliver 
All the bad news

To be the doom forecaster
To meet the victims for the interviews
There’s nothing better than bad news
Nothing gets them to click faster
Nothing better than when the heroes lose
Always hoping for a bigger disaster
There’s nothing better than bad news
On the front page we will plaster
We don’t have to, it’s what we choose
It pays to be the doom forecaster
Without a tear, without a care
Into the lens you will stare
The world is waiting for the body count
And you will never let them down
There’s nothing better than bad news
Out of your pores it all will ooze
Until they catch you on a hot mic
And when you’re the news the ratings will spike
Thank you for tuning in
This was the bad news
And I am The Rat